My 5 year old grandaughter said today...
Mama - on happy days my heart is sad inside me.....
bless her
she was telling me how she felt about her Grandpa dying.
Monday, 30 May 2011
Pushing out
So, here I am - funeral over, shock receding, concerned family and friends now easing back into their own lives - with the hours stretching before me - endless solitary hours. It is Spring Bank Holiday here in the UK and families are doing their thing - whether it is relaxing at home or busy with hobbies and activities. I have just taken the dog for a walk and driveways are full of cars as families come together for rest and relaxation - all of this is good but oh how it accentuates my solitary status. My own grown and flown children are busy with their own lives, and so they should be - and I must now forge a new path - but there is an overwhelming sense of pointlessness that I must first overcome. I have always loved my hobbies - reading, painting, ceramics - and, when Steve was alive - it was always great to have some 'me' time for these solitary pursuits, in fact there never seemed to be enough 'me' time as we were always so active as a 'couple'. No more. More than enough time but no motivation.
Earlier today that same pointless apathy threatened to overwhelm me - but rather than give way to it I picked up my bible and started to read - I was soon transported into a different realm and was really rewarded for my efforts. Having had this experience, I know on the inside of me that I can turn my mind away from my grief to other things and that I will feel better - but it takes a real effort - and sometimes the effort is too great - and I slip into that awful pit of despair. It is so self defeating - but it seems to be a betrayal of Steve to feel anything other than anguish and loss. None of it makes sense but I am beginning to see that any progress is going 'character building' to say the least and that most of the progress will be bourne out of my efforts to avoid pain.
Whilst walking the dog I felt very, very lonely for Steve (no-one else could have relieved the ache) - but I started to reflect back - you know, I do remember times of loneliness even in the midst of a loving, happy and fulfilling marriage - so the feeling isn't new - and I mustn't attribute these feelings solely to my being without Steve.
Just thoughts...
Earlier today that same pointless apathy threatened to overwhelm me - but rather than give way to it I picked up my bible and started to read - I was soon transported into a different realm and was really rewarded for my efforts. Having had this experience, I know on the inside of me that I can turn my mind away from my grief to other things and that I will feel better - but it takes a real effort - and sometimes the effort is too great - and I slip into that awful pit of despair. It is so self defeating - but it seems to be a betrayal of Steve to feel anything other than anguish and loss. None of it makes sense but I am beginning to see that any progress is going 'character building' to say the least and that most of the progress will be bourne out of my efforts to avoid pain.
Whilst walking the dog I felt very, very lonely for Steve (no-one else could have relieved the ache) - but I started to reflect back - you know, I do remember times of loneliness even in the midst of a loving, happy and fulfilling marriage - so the feeling isn't new - and I mustn't attribute these feelings solely to my being without Steve.
Just thoughts...
Friday, 20 May 2011
He loved me
Today I have worked myself weary - oh how I ache - only myself to blame! I made a frenzied attack on the back lawn with a reluctant lawn mower and gritted my teeth and waded into the mountain of paperwork which needs to be sorted out. On rising this morning I knew that I had to lift myself up and over my emotions and start to put one foot in front of the other. The overriding feeling these last few weeks since Steve died is one of being overwhelmed. Some days I can barely co-ordinate my thoughts let alone apply myself to the jobs which are mounting steadily. At a time when I am least able to cope it seems that there is the most work to do - it is absolutely merciless. The telephone calls are the most agonising - I phoned the Automobile Association and the Caravan Club to amend/cancel membership - "Hello, my name is JB and I am ringing to inform you that my husband died on 26th April....." NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..... heartache, anguish, reality check - no it can't be real - Lord, wake me up - surely it is just a nightmare and things are going to return to how they were...
The unimaginable ache in my heart and the sense of loneliness is absolutely awful - so I start to think about Steve and bring him into heart focus and the bleakness which comes from looking too far into the future starts to subside. The thought that came to me was just how much Steve loved me - and he did - he told me just days before he died that no-one could have loved me more than he did - and it was true - and I shall miss that immensely. Warts and all he thought that I was the bees' knees - and I thought that he was too. He would have defended me to the hilt and was so faithful. My anguish as I write is, that for the rest of my earthly life, no-one else will have that same love for me - that wonderful love borne of years together, shared experiences, mountains and valleys. Oh dear....
Don't get me wrong my dear sisters - I know how much God loves me and when I am before Him he is the greatest of comforters and I am sure that He will be the best of husbands - our relationship is growing all the time - but you know what |I mean - it is those earthly arms, at this time, that I long for and nothing else quite hits the spot.
The unimaginable ache in my heart and the sense of loneliness is absolutely awful - so I start to think about Steve and bring him into heart focus and the bleakness which comes from looking too far into the future starts to subside. The thought that came to me was just how much Steve loved me - and he did - he told me just days before he died that no-one could have loved me more than he did - and it was true - and I shall miss that immensely. Warts and all he thought that I was the bees' knees - and I thought that he was too. He would have defended me to the hilt and was so faithful. My anguish as I write is, that for the rest of my earthly life, no-one else will have that same love for me - that wonderful love borne of years together, shared experiences, mountains and valleys. Oh dear....
Don't get me wrong my dear sisters - I know how much God loves me and when I am before Him he is the greatest of comforters and I am sure that He will be the best of husbands - our relationship is growing all the time - but you know what |I mean - it is those earthly arms, at this time, that I long for and nothing else quite hits the spot.
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
My Art......
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| Acrylic Painting - He carried me copyright Jacquie Boyles |
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| Acrylic Painting - ...For Me copyright Jacquie Boyles |
A Diary .....because it helps
two weeks and one day
I am hurting in a way that I have never experienced before - a constant dull ache which drains away all joy and purpose - oh Steve - where are you my precious, precious man - I just can't believe that you are gone and that I will never see you again......I need to touch you, smell you, hold you - and then the ache rises in my chest giving way to absolute agony and distress.......this is grief in its fullness - raw grief.
Forgive me my friends and followers - but I so want this to be an exact representation of how things are in the grieving period following the death of my husband - I search each day to find others in my own predicament - just so that I can get a measure of how things are for them too - will I ever function normally again - even experience fullness of joy. I just hope that in the months and years to come that my experiences may help some other dear woman who's life has been suddenly and forever changed by the death of her husband.
I am disciplining myself to do those things that need doing regardless of how I feel - I don't want to slip into depression - I have had experience of that in the past and it isn't a place that I wish to return - so, housework done, lawn cut and dinner prepared - I take refuge in my sanctuary, put on Steve's jumper and take out the DVD of his life that I prepared for his funeral/celebration and sit, and watch, and cry. I just needed to see him again and remind myself of his smile. I thought that this may make matters worse - but instead, it has really helped - it has centered me again and the cry has relieved the ache which had permeated my bones. One consequence - fatigue - oh how tired and drained I feel at times.
On the spiritual side of things - I am a Christian and I love the Lord with all my heart and have, had a very close walk with Him since my full acceptance of Him. Through prayer and life experiences, our relationship has developed over the last 20 years and I have come to know some of His ways - but this Lord? I have been tormented by the question "Lord, why did you not heal my husband?" Many prayed, some fasted, we stood in faith as much as we could have with a tidal wave of distress and fear crashing over us and quicksand under our feet. From the day that Steve was diagnosed it was just 4 months until his death, we did not get chance to catch breath.So why did you not heal Him? ..(further exploration on this topic later...your input will be appreciated at that time).
In the aftermath, amidst the devastation I have been looking to the Lord for answers to some very deep and troubling questions. With great relief the Lord has spoken - not to answer my questions - but with words that are fundamental - He said "Jacquie, our relationship is based upon trust - without it you cannot stand upon the Rock". I can question Him no more at this time - for what He said is truth - and I bow my knee. I acknowledge Him who sees all things from beginning to the end and my peace is restored.
I am looking to rekindle my prayer life - but what do I pray about? My whole time these last months has been about praying for Steve - I have now lost my reason and my cause. Help Lord! Bring some purpose back into my life.......
I am hurting in a way that I have never experienced before - a constant dull ache which drains away all joy and purpose - oh Steve - where are you my precious, precious man - I just can't believe that you are gone and that I will never see you again......I need to touch you, smell you, hold you - and then the ache rises in my chest giving way to absolute agony and distress.......this is grief in its fullness - raw grief.
Forgive me my friends and followers - but I so want this to be an exact representation of how things are in the grieving period following the death of my husband - I search each day to find others in my own predicament - just so that I can get a measure of how things are for them too - will I ever function normally again - even experience fullness of joy. I just hope that in the months and years to come that my experiences may help some other dear woman who's life has been suddenly and forever changed by the death of her husband.
I am disciplining myself to do those things that need doing regardless of how I feel - I don't want to slip into depression - I have had experience of that in the past and it isn't a place that I wish to return - so, housework done, lawn cut and dinner prepared - I take refuge in my sanctuary, put on Steve's jumper and take out the DVD of his life that I prepared for his funeral/celebration and sit, and watch, and cry. I just needed to see him again and remind myself of his smile. I thought that this may make matters worse - but instead, it has really helped - it has centered me again and the cry has relieved the ache which had permeated my bones. One consequence - fatigue - oh how tired and drained I feel at times.
On the spiritual side of things - I am a Christian and I love the Lord with all my heart and have, had a very close walk with Him since my full acceptance of Him. Through prayer and life experiences, our relationship has developed over the last 20 years and I have come to know some of His ways - but this Lord? I have been tormented by the question "Lord, why did you not heal my husband?" Many prayed, some fasted, we stood in faith as much as we could have with a tidal wave of distress and fear crashing over us and quicksand under our feet. From the day that Steve was diagnosed it was just 4 months until his death, we did not get chance to catch breath.So why did you not heal Him? ..(further exploration on this topic later...your input will be appreciated at that time).
In the aftermath, amidst the devastation I have been looking to the Lord for answers to some very deep and troubling questions. With great relief the Lord has spoken - not to answer my questions - but with words that are fundamental - He said "Jacquie, our relationship is based upon trust - without it you cannot stand upon the Rock". I can question Him no more at this time - for what He said is truth - and I bow my knee. I acknowledge Him who sees all things from beginning to the end and my peace is restored.
I am looking to rekindle my prayer life - but what do I pray about? My whole time these last months has been about praying for Steve - I have now lost my reason and my cause. Help Lord! Bring some purpose back into my life.......
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
...the tsunami
However, in November Steve started to feel unwell and after many visits to the GP and numerous scans and a liver biopsy in January 2011 he was finally diagnosed with 'non curable' lung cancer which had spread into his bones and liver.
We were absolutely devastated when we were told - our kids (34 and 36 years - well, they are still your kids!) were with us on the journey right from that very time - and it felt as if someone had twisted my gut and pulled my heart out of its position. Our world had collapsed and we could not believe nor come to terms with what we had been told. Surely, it was just a nightmare - surely we would wake up - surely there was some medication, or some treatment somewhere that would put things right.
Standing from my 'now' position I am amazed how unbelief can block out and deny the facts. We were desolate - yet still were able to sit as a family and discuss the news that had been given to us.
Not long afterwards the Japanese tsunami occurred - a tragedy of great magnitude - but I could not help but compare it with what seemed to be our own tsunami - one which had swept over and devastated our own lives.
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