two weeks and one day
I am hurting in a way that I have never experienced before - a constant dull ache which drains away all joy and purpose - oh Steve - where are you my precious, precious man - I just can't believe that you are gone and that I will never see you again......I need to touch you, smell you, hold you - and then the ache rises in my chest giving way to absolute agony and distress.......this is grief in its fullness - raw grief.
Forgive me my friends and followers - but I so want this to be an exact representation of how things are in the grieving period following the death of my husband - I search each day to find others in my own predicament - just so that I can get a measure of how things are for them too - will I ever function normally again - even experience fullness of joy. I just hope that in the months and years to come that my experiences may help some other dear woman who's life has been suddenly and forever changed by the death of her husband.
I am disciplining myself to do those things that need doing regardless of how I feel - I don't want to slip into depression - I have had experience of that in the past and it isn't a place that I wish to return - so, housework done, lawn cut and dinner prepared - I take refuge in my sanctuary, put on Steve's jumper and take out the DVD of his life that I prepared for his funeral/celebration and sit, and watch, and cry. I just needed to see him again and remind myself of his smile. I thought that this may make matters worse - but instead, it has really helped - it has centered me again and the cry has relieved the ache which had permeated my bones. One consequence - fatigue - oh how tired and drained I feel at times.
On the spiritual side of things - I am a Christian and I love the Lord with all my heart and have, had a very close walk with Him since my full acceptance of Him. Through prayer and life experiences, our relationship has developed over the last 20 years and I have come to know some of His ways - but this Lord? I have been tormented by the question "Lord, why did you not heal my husband?" Many prayed, some fasted, we stood in faith as much as we could have with a tidal wave of distress and fear crashing over us and quicksand under our feet. From the day that Steve was diagnosed it was just 4 months until his death, we did not get chance to catch breath.So why did you not heal Him? ..(further exploration on this topic later...your input will be appreciated at that time).
In the aftermath, amidst the devastation I have been looking to the Lord for answers to some very deep and troubling questions. With great relief the Lord has spoken - not to answer my questions - but with words that are fundamental - He said "Jacquie, our relationship is based upon trust - without it you cannot stand upon the Rock". I can question Him no more at this time - for what He said is truth - and I bow my knee. I acknowledge Him who sees all things from beginning to the end and my peace is restored.
I am looking to rekindle my prayer life - but what do I pray about? My whole time these last months has been about praying for Steve - I have now lost my reason and my cause. Help Lord! Bring some purpose back into my life.......
Oh my dear friend,how I can relate to where you are right now.The fatigue and the loneliness are overwhelming.I was at a point where I couldn't pray,there were no words,but a friend reminded me that God puts our tears in a bottle so He also knows what we need.How I wish I could sit with you and cry and share,but distance does not allow that.I would love to share via email,if that would be of any help to you.Please feel free to reply to this comment and let me know what I can help you with.One word of advise,which was given to me also,be gentle to yourself.
ReplyDeleteHugs,Ruth
I remember the fatigue ... I would sleep in the afternoons and go to bed early. I would watch a video (a friend kept lending me "good" videos) until I felt it was late enough to go to bed (often that late enough was 8:30). I thing I needed that sleep. And I slept too. I claimed from the get go that He gave his beloved sleep. And He came through.
ReplyDeleteI made myself to-do lists and tried to accomplish at least one thing. I had a young dog that needed daily walks. (My dog is a God send. God was the orchestrator of us even having that dog.) Getting outside, walking in nature is healing.
I made up a couple of presentations for D's memorial which very exercise in creating I found very healing.
I often ponder the healing question. We all have an appointment with death ... some sickness are onto death and some are to the glory of God ... is my take on it. Discerning the difference now, that is the challenge. I never did the what ifs or if onlys because I just knew God was in this thing (D riding his bike into heaven) ... I knew that I knew ... just like we know that we know the Lord and so I was able to trust perhaps sooner as a result. In talking with the two ladies that found him we got talking about acceptance. The sooner we accept the easier and sooner we can move on. Have you ever read Hinds' Feet on High Places? Really, it is a great read. I have read it twice since D died and started again last night. One of the first things she learned was from the flower "acceptance with Joy". The devotional, "Streams in the Desert" is a great aide ... if you can find it. It has been resurrected and put into modern vernacular. My pastor's wife gave it to me soon after my own D died.
I too was 56 when D died. He was 60. We had only been married 5 3/4 years ... a first marriage for both of us. We were so compatible. My friends had more questions for God than I even did. But truly, God does all things well. I have no children and at times could feel "alone in this world" ... those are some of the times Self Pity tries to worm in.
As for purpose? My, I feel at limbo myself there, even yet a year into this widow thing. I'm finding that my real purpose is Himself and if He uses me along the way ... why that's a bonus. My husband tried to tell me that too but maybe in different terms. Don't sweat it. Just be in Him was his reasoning.
I'm just rambling my own thoughts as you brought up some interesting things.