Today I have worked myself weary - oh how I ache - only myself to blame! I made a frenzied attack on the back lawn with a reluctant lawn mower and gritted my teeth and waded into the mountain of paperwork which needs to be sorted out. On rising this morning I knew that I had to lift myself up and over my emotions and start to put one foot in front of the other. The overriding feeling these last few weeks since Steve died is one of being overwhelmed. Some days I can barely co-ordinate my thoughts let alone apply myself to the jobs which are mounting steadily. At a time when I am least able to cope it seems that there is the most work to do - it is absolutely merciless. The telephone calls are the most agonising - I phoned the Automobile Association and the Caravan Club to amend/cancel membership - "Hello, my name is JB and I am ringing to inform you that my husband died on 26th April....." NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..... heartache, anguish, reality check - no it can't be real - Lord, wake me up - surely it is just a nightmare and things are going to return to how they were...
The unimaginable ache in my heart and the sense of loneliness is absolutely awful - so I start to think about Steve and bring him into heart focus and the bleakness which comes from looking too far into the future starts to subside. The thought that came to me was just how much Steve loved me - and he did - he told me just days before he died that no-one could have loved me more than he did - and it was true - and I shall miss that immensely. Warts and all he thought that I was the bees' knees - and I thought that he was too. He would have defended me to the hilt and was so faithful. My anguish as I write is, that for the rest of my earthly life, no-one else will have that same love for me - that wonderful love borne of years together, shared experiences, mountains and valleys. Oh dear....
Don't get me wrong my dear sisters - I know how much God loves me and when I am before Him he is the greatest of comforters and I am sure that He will be the best of husbands - our relationship is growing all the time - but you know what |I mean - it is those earthly arms, at this time, that I long for and nothing else quite hits the spot.
Oh How well I understand just how empty you are feeling.Yes,I know God loves me but I NEED those arms of flesh to hold me,those lips to kiss me,and I could go on.Life is very hard for you but we must go on.
ReplyDeleteDon't be hard on yourself,everything will get done in time.I still feel like I am not functioning as I should.I get easily confused and overwhelmed.I am praying that you will sense God's love in a very special way.
Hugs,Ruth
Ruth, you are a treasure. It helps so much to know that you understand. Each day I get up and put one foot in front of the other doing that which has to be done - or that I have the strength to do. It has been a bad day today - but, do you know, after opening my heart to the Lord, I have had 3 phone calls and my sister invited me round to hers for a cuppa. God is GOOD and this I know - it was Him who moved those dear people to give me a call.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for you too my precious friend.
May HUGS abound to you.
Love Jacquie
Oh I know, who would/could ever love me like my D? We were so akin in our thoughts and likes and doings. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI remember having to make the phone calls, announce that he was dead ... and often get a run around!!! One year out and I'm through that ... even the income tax is done. But the hydro on the condo I left in his name and the condo paperwork could go one step further but I am still pondering about selling it ... only don't feel the go ahead from the Lord ... yet.
The Lord IS a champion for widows and I feel He has a special place in his heart for us. We had no choice in this vocation!