I had a dream .....

In a deep time with the Lord this week I took opportunity to talk things through with Him - I told Him that although I do trust that He has my future in His hand - and although I do believe (by faith) that it will be a good future - that I would still, at this time, choose to have Steve back with me now. Straight away I felt a check in my spirit as if what I was saying did not line up with God's heart - it was an honest interaction - but I knew that, in His time, He would give me His perspective.

...and he did - last night - through a dream.

In the dream
Steve came back from the dead. We were absolutely ecstatic at seeing each other again and could not find words to express to each other what we felt - I was full of questions but, as we settled down, it soon became apparent that there was a gulf between us. Not a gulf created by anything that either of us had done or said to each other - just a gulf which emphasised a difference between us which had come about since his death. Somehow I knew that Steve had travelled many eons into a world of which I was not a part and had no comprehension - and he wasn't the same person that I knew before he died. More suprisingly - on the other hand, neither was I the same - and I could see that, even at this early stage, my first independent steps into my God ordained future had set us apart - and my world, like it or not, was not a world where Steve was included.

Another incident during the week highlighted another feature of my reluctant 'pilgrimage'.... I was reading Steve's log which he kept to keep track of his treatment/side effects, how he was feeling, how he had slept and general comments on day to day stuff - and it was as if he was with me again - he became so real. I could see him in my minds eye so clearly, his gestures, his quips... just the very presence of him filled my spirit. It was so beautiful and I missed him so strongly - it took me into a level of grief akin to week 1. Having said that, I just hadn't realised, until that point, that my general awareness of him had been lessening - by default I am being distanced from him even though it is neither by design nor choice.

To know this helps neither the pain nor the suffering experienced in this transitional period - but I increasingly am aware that in order to move forward it is absolutely necessary to fully accept there is no going back. I am not there yet - but I am thinking that, when journeying along with the Lord, that the outcome is inevitable.

As weeks go, I have had my 'up days' and my 'down days'. The down days have been laden with grief, pain and tears - the up days have held times of joy and I have even felt a stirring of vision and creativity - but accompanied at all times by a dull ache in my solar plexus. Oh Steve.... Oh Lord?