8 months
I write that down as a marker in time - because it is important to take a snapshot here and there of a journey which is going to take a while to get where it is going. The time of year has been challenging - Christmas and New Year - Christmas went much better than I had anticipated. I spent 3 days with my daughter, son in law and grandaughter and it was good - I used all the discipline I could muster - not to get into feeling sorry or sad and it worked. New Year was a different kettle of fish. I had it all planned - I went to the home of my friend and her husband who had invited along two other couples - lovely, lovely people all of them. It must have been awkward for them - saying the right things and avoiding inadvertently saying the wrong things but still I felt like a square peg in a round hole - I missed my man, I missed being part of a couple, I missed the intimacy of shared experience and the stark reality that I would never again experience thest things was brutal. I had not envisaged nor expected the sense of absolute isolation that came upon me. On that particular night I felt lonelier in company than I have ever felt alone and I was absolutely bereft and a wave of grief came upon me which took me off my feet for 2 or 3 days. I left the gathering early before I lost control but not many minutes down the road I screamed in absolute despair and anguish - and that is about the worst that I have felt since Steve died.
Its been a week now and a sense of equilibrium has now returned and I think that I have turned a bit of a corner. I went forward for prayer at church this morning and the pastor anointed me with oil. I felt a release in my spirit - I do believe that, at time, grief can grip you tighter than it should and maybe the intensity of the season of 'firsts without Steve' had placed me under my circumstances - and even more introverted than I normally am. This last week I could have quite happily closed the door on the world - and that isn't a healthy place to be. So, this afternoon, because I feel lighter in myself I have been to visit Steve's mum who is suffering so badly herself and we have been able to encourage each other along the road a little more.
I am undergoing a gradual personal transition - it is painful - but I am redefining my boundaries as a 'singled out' person. I have had one or two incidents where I have found myself demolished by uncaring attitudes and hurtful words - and have concluded that I must toughen up. I have no-one now to pick me up after such incidents - so I absolutely cannot let people have that sort of influence over me or I will be developing a victim mentality. I realise also that I must now be more pro-active in my dealings with people - be they family, friends, plumbers, builders or whosoever - I can no longer take a back seat and let Steve deal, and my goodness that is going to be hard because it means I have to develop that characteristic which has lain dormant all my life. Change is painful and out of current character. I dont like it - but whether I like it or not the process has to be gone through.
Fear and anxiety have laid me low too these last months - thinking too far ahead doesn't help matters. I have had a couple of people knocking at my door and in my soft and vulnerable state I have laid myself more open than I should. Steve would have sent them packing but I found myself stuck inside their honey trap of words - that too has to alter. So another rule I have made for myself is never to do business on the doorstep FULL STOP! These are all learning curves - I could have really done without having to learn these lessons at this stage - I am just to wounded really - but the world doesn't stop out of respect for me and my feelings whether or not I think it should!
My head still gets very foggy at times - not every day - but on those stressful days I cannot think straight. My memory seems to elude me - names, dates, etc. etc. it is getting better but there are days it seems worse than it has ever been. Fatigue comes and goes and is related to the level of pressure I am under or the amount of grief I am experiencing on any given day. I still cannot raise any enthusiasm to go back out to work (not that there are any jobs around at the moment). I would just rather economise and take my time until desire motivates me.
I still cry most days and generally I feel better after doing so - in fact when I start to feel ill I know it is because I am need of a good cry and think about Steve for a while - that seems to ground me.
I guess this is a progress report....
Still, I am so interested to hear from other widows on how they were at any given stage of their grief - it is just so important to know where I am along the grid. I know we are all different but there are still general trends - it is really helpful to me.
Anyway my friends.........
I will try not to be so long next time in making a post....
... just be aware that I may not be writing many posts - but I do read yours!
love to you all.......
