8 months
I write that down as a marker in time - because it is important to take a snapshot here and there of a journey which is going to take a while to get where it is going. The time of year has been challenging - Christmas and New Year - Christmas went much better than I had anticipated. I spent 3 days with my daughter, son in law and grandaughter and it was good - I used all the discipline I could muster - not to get into feeling sorry or sad and it worked. New Year was a different kettle of fish. I had it all planned - I went to the home of my friend and her husband who had invited along two other couples - lovely, lovely people all of them. It must have been awkward for them - saying the right things and avoiding inadvertently saying the wrong things but still I felt like a square peg in a round hole - I missed my man, I missed being part of a couple, I missed the intimacy of shared experience and the stark reality that I would never again experience thest things was brutal. I had not envisaged nor expected the sense of absolute isolation that came upon me. On that particular night I felt lonelier in company than I have ever felt alone and I was absolutely bereft and a wave of grief came upon me which took me off my feet for 2 or 3 days. I left the gathering early before I lost control but not many minutes down the road I screamed in absolute despair and anguish - and that is about the worst that I have felt since Steve died.
Its been a week now and a sense of equilibrium has now returned and I think that I have turned a bit of a corner. I went forward for prayer at church this morning and the pastor anointed me with oil. I felt a release in my spirit - I do believe that, at time, grief can grip you tighter than it should and maybe the intensity of the season of 'firsts without Steve' had placed me under my circumstances - and even more introverted than I normally am. This last week I could have quite happily closed the door on the world - and that isn't a healthy place to be. So, this afternoon, because I feel lighter in myself I have been to visit Steve's mum who is suffering so badly herself and we have been able to encourage each other along the road a little more.
I am undergoing a gradual personal transition - it is painful - but I am redefining my boundaries as a 'singled out' person. I have had one or two incidents where I have found myself demolished by uncaring attitudes and hurtful words - and have concluded that I must toughen up. I have no-one now to pick me up after such incidents - so I absolutely cannot let people have that sort of influence over me or I will be developing a victim mentality. I realise also that I must now be more pro-active in my dealings with people - be they family, friends, plumbers, builders or whosoever - I can no longer take a back seat and let Steve deal, and my goodness that is going to be hard because it means I have to develop that characteristic which has lain dormant all my life. Change is painful and out of current character. I dont like it - but whether I like it or not the process has to be gone through.
Fear and anxiety have laid me low too these last months - thinking too far ahead doesn't help matters. I have had a couple of people knocking at my door and in my soft and vulnerable state I have laid myself more open than I should. Steve would have sent them packing but I found myself stuck inside their honey trap of words - that too has to alter. So another rule I have made for myself is never to do business on the doorstep FULL STOP! These are all learning curves - I could have really done without having to learn these lessons at this stage - I am just to wounded really - but the world doesn't stop out of respect for me and my feelings whether or not I think it should!
My head still gets very foggy at times - not every day - but on those stressful days I cannot think straight. My memory seems to elude me - names, dates, etc. etc. it is getting better but there are days it seems worse than it has ever been. Fatigue comes and goes and is related to the level of pressure I am under or the amount of grief I am experiencing on any given day. I still cannot raise any enthusiasm to go back out to work (not that there are any jobs around at the moment). I would just rather economise and take my time until desire motivates me.
I still cry most days and generally I feel better after doing so - in fact when I start to feel ill I know it is because I am need of a good cry and think about Steve for a while - that seems to ground me.
I guess this is a progress report....
Still, I am so interested to hear from other widows on how they were at any given stage of their grief - it is just so important to know where I am along the grid. I know we are all different but there are still general trends - it is really helpful to me.
Anyway my friends.........
I will try not to be so long next time in making a post....
... just be aware that I may not be writing many posts - but I do read yours!
love to you all.......
You are doing about the same as I was at that stage in the grieving process. Don't be too hard on yourself.I seem to hear a sense of purpose in these words. In my heart I feel that you will do just fine,but please take your time to grieve no matter what others say. God will supply you with the strength as you need it.You are in my prayers. May I ask you to pray for me and the extended family as we said farewell to my husband's youngest sister on Friday. She was welcomed into Heaven in a gentle way,but it is still hard to see a loved one depart.
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