So, here I am - funeral over, shock receding, concerned family and friends now easing back into their own lives - with the hours stretching before me - endless solitary hours. It is Spring Bank Holiday here in the UK and families are doing their thing - whether it is relaxing at home or busy with hobbies and activities. I have just taken the dog for a walk and driveways are full of cars as families come together for rest and relaxation - all of this is good but oh how it accentuates my solitary status. My own grown and flown children are busy with their own lives, and so they should be - and I must now forge a new path - but there is an overwhelming sense of pointlessness that I must first overcome. I have always loved my hobbies - reading, painting, ceramics - and, when Steve was alive - it was always great to have some 'me' time for these solitary pursuits, in fact there never seemed to be enough 'me' time as we were always so active as a 'couple'. No more. More than enough time but no motivation.
Earlier today that same pointless apathy threatened to overwhelm me - but rather than give way to it I picked up my bible and started to read - I was soon transported into a different realm and was really rewarded for my efforts. Having had this experience, I know on the inside of me that I can turn my mind away from my grief to other things and that I will feel better - but it takes a real effort - and sometimes the effort is too great - and I slip into that awful pit of despair. It is so self defeating - but it seems to be a betrayal of Steve to feel anything other than anguish and loss. None of it makes sense but I am beginning to see that any progress is going 'character building' to say the least and that most of the progress will be bourne out of my efforts to avoid pain.
Whilst walking the dog I felt very, very lonely for Steve (no-one else could have relieved the ache) - but I started to reflect back - you know, I do remember times of loneliness even in the midst of a loving, happy and fulfilling marriage - so the feeling isn't new - and I mustn't attribute these feelings solely to my being without Steve.
Just thoughts...
Oh how well I understand what you are going through.Yes,sometimes we need to turn away from the pain,but it is also helpful to embrace it and then move forward.The loneliness is overwhelming,as you say.My consolation has been that God knew I could handle this,with HIs help,or He would not have taken my husband home.Let the tears flow,they are in themselves healing.
ReplyDeleteThe loneliness is there. We moved to a new community 1 1/2 years into our marriage and other than for a couple of his sisters, we knew no one. We were so content the two of us. Now, I'm trying to establish friendship and what a slog. People are slow to receive a new kid on the block. Granted, their lives are already full and overflowing with business so I do not fault them. I keep reaching out and inviting this one and that one ... when I get enough steam up to do so! The single life, well I thought I was over and done with it as I was single until I was 50! So in a sense, I am well versed with it, singleness. It does drive one to the Lord.
ReplyDeleteI recently was pondering the aloneness the Lord felt in the Garden when he prayed ... He is well acquainted with loneliness !
My D worried that it would make me miserable if he died early ... he didn't want to get married just in case. I remember saying, what if you don't die early and we miss out on good years? I knew he would not want me wallowing around in the depths of despair so that made me try to keep out of the Pit. The scripture that helped me the most was, "put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness" ... I would sing or pray and it does indeed lift the mist. The putting on though ... is sometimes a great effort.
Oh the apathy! Slowly, slowly it passes.
I'm glad to read you have a dog.
Well, my dear friends, there is one thing for SURE - if I lived any where near you then I would CERTAINLY be round for a coffee! It may take a long time to put down roots and establish friendships (I know this too well) but, shared experiences of the magnitude that we have encountered, bonds people quicker than any brand of super glue that I know! Thank you for your encouragement - I love you allx
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